Not all of your desires are borrowed. Some are genuinely yours — things you'd want regardless of what anyone else was doing.
The trick is telling them apart.
This matters because borrowed desires tend to leave you empty even when you achieve them. You climb the ladder, reach the rung, and feel . . . not much. The satisfaction evaporates. There's always another rung.
Authentic desires are different. They come with a quieter, more sustaining satisfaction. They don't depend on anyone else noticing.
So how do you know which is which?
Five questions to ask
When you notice yourself wanting something strongly, try running it through these filters.
1. Where did this desire come from?
Can you trace it back? When did you first notice wanting this? What was happening at the time? Who, if anyone, showed you this was worth wanting?
Sometimes the answer is obvious — you wanted the promotion right after your colleague got one. Sometimes it's buried deeper — you've wanted this "forever," but if you dig, there's a model from childhood.
The origin doesn't automatically disqualify the desire. But it's useful information.
2. Would I want this if no one knew?
Imagine pursuing this goal in complete invisibility. No-one would ever find out. No-one would be impressed. No-one would envy you.
Would you still want it?
If the desire depends on being seen, that's a mimetic signal. You might still choose to pursue it, but you should know what's driving you.
3. Would I want this if it were low-status?
Imagine this goal were actively looked down upon. Pursuing it would make you seem odd, out of touch, naive. Your peers would be puzzled or dismissive.
Would you still want it?
Desire that persists despite social disapproval is usually coming from somewhere real.
4. How does the desire feel in my body?
Mimetic desires often carry a quality of urgency, anxiety, competition. There's a grasping quality. A sense of needing to keep up, of falling behind if you don't achieve this.
Authentic desires tend to feel different — quieter, more settled, less frantic. There's pull rather than push.
This isn't foolproof. But if you pay attention to the felt sense, you'll start to notice the difference.
5. What happens when I imagine already having it?
Close your eyes. Imagine you've achieved the goal. It's done. You have the thing.
Now what? What do you want next? And how do you feel?
If the feeling is relief and release, the desire might be authentic. If it immediately shifts to the next comparison, the next rung, the next competitor — that's mimetic.
The honest inventory
For a deeper exercise, list the three or four things you're currently working hardest toward. Career goals, relationship goals, lifestyle goals — whatever's consuming your energy.
Then run each one through the questions above. Write down your honest answers.
You might discover that some of your biggest pursuits are largely borrowed. That's uncomfortable, but it's also liberating. You don't owe those desires anything. You can put them down.
You might discover that some desires survive the scrutiny. They're real. You'd want them regardless. That's clarifying too — now you can pursue them wholeheartedly, without the anxious quality of mimetic competition.
No judgment
A word of caution: don't turn this into self-attack.
Everyone has borrowed desires. We're social creatures; it's how we're wired. Discovering mimetic patterns in yourself isn't a moral failing. It's just seeing clearly.
The point isn't to purge all borrowed desires immediately. It's to know which is which. To hold the borrowed ones more lightly. To create space for the authentic ones to emerge.
That takes time. Be patient with yourself.
This is one piece of a larger framework I explore in my book Someone Else's Dream. But you don't need the book to start noticing. The questions work on their own.